RP: Letters, Part 5

Here is a link to the previous letter. If you keep clicking, it will take you through to the beginning.

I am being honest when I say that last night was one of the most exhausting nights of my life. The training I underwent to obtain my bear form was only marginally more taxing than two hours of conversation with Manari's bodyguard. Once we had finished speaking I came back home and collapsed onto my bed with no thought of writing you. I am not sure how much more of this I can take, in all honesty. This feeling is likely a result of the stress I am currently under, and may pass, but I still have the overwhelming urge to spend the day out in the forests. As a cat. Stealthed in a bush somewhere. But I am far too old to run from my problems like that, no matter how appealing the thought remains.

In regards to the man, Drolgats, I am not sure where to begin. I believe my initial assessment of him was correct. He is, indeed, rude, because he cares not for the opinions of others. He also seems to have a disdain for anything he perceives as a weakness. The feeling that he does not trust me was also correct. He came into my home to size me up, in a manner of speaking. I believe I held my own, but he is in many ways an infuriating man. I am almost certain he acts that way purposefully. But despite all that, I genuinely like him. You probably think I've lost my wits, but once you reach the end of this letter you may better understand.

I learned much less about him than he did about me, since our meeting was on his terms, but what little he did tell me is important. When he learned that my parents died at Mount Hyjal, he tensed, so I know he too has a bad event or memory that ties into that place. I also learned quickly that he is not a man from whom respect is easily gained. We talked much about suffering, but never did manage to come to an agreement on the subject. From what I can tell he thinks people who stumble upon hard times remain there because they wallow in their own misery. While I believe this is possible, I feel it does not take into account people who are hurt by the actions of other people. He did not seem impressed by this logic.

His adamant refusal to have any compassion for his fellow man is notable to me. Do you remember when I said something is broken within him? This has to be an aspect of that affliction. I believe he has fought with tooth and claw to regain control of his life, and as a result has no respect for those who cannot. Since he did it, it simply has to be possible for everyone. I disagree, but his character is strong, and there is no way I would ever be able to convince him of this. I gave up eventually, and told him he would benefit from having a little empathy. I believe he laughed at me.

He is also very good at striking nerves. He either has very bad luck, or was attempting to push my buttons to see how I would react. Within the first five minutes of our conversation he was mocking me for fearing death. Surely you can understand why this upset me so. I have been mortal for less than a decade. Humans are raised around death--it is a part of life that is always with them. But I was not given that luxury. The idea that I can now die of illness and old age is a terrifying because that sort of death is meaningless. Before the loss of Nordrassil, an Elven death meant something, because more often than not we chose the manner of our passing. When we died in battle, it meant that we were willing to give up eternity for a belief. But now death can come for the smallest reasons, and take away our lives meaninglessly. I told him this, and he mocked me again. I suppose I could have explained to him that yes, I do fear death, but that is not the fear that shapes my life the most as he seems to believe. I will not act out of cowardice to avoid dying. Death is a terrible thing, and I have not yet come to terms with it, but I am much more afraid of being alone.

I wonder what he would have said to that. Do you find me weak for fearing solitude?

The city seems to make him uncomfortable, though I doubt he only feels that way in Darnassus. He spent much of our conversation with his back to my wall, and when he sat, he would be up again almost instantly. I was worried to stand close to him for fear of making his claustrophobia worse, so I kept a good distance between us. The forest also seems to make him claustrophobic. He said he likes to see greater distances. I suppose he has lived most of his life in open lands, because I have always found the closeness of the forest comforting. When he could stand it no longer, and finally asked for us to continue our talk at the ocean, I consented. I hate the sea for many reasons, most for which I hold you responsible, but my curiosity to see what he is like when he is comfortable with his surroundings overrode all my own personal misgivings. We walked in silence to an area on the coast his Druid friend cares for, and finished our conversation there.

When he is not constantly looking over his shoulder, he is a rather agreeable man. He did not become any less taciturn, but he was far kinder in his manner of speaking. His body language also became more relaxed, and he spent less time moving about awkwardly. At this point I do not know whether it was the area we had moved to that caused this, or if he had taken sufficient measure of my character to let his guard down somewhat. Either way, the rest of the conversation was comparatively pleasant.

We talked for a long time, but I have just as many questions about him as I did when we first met now that my suspicions of his character have been confirmed. He will likely continue to be an object of curiosity to me for some time. I honestly do not believe he is as coldhearted as he pretends to be. Before we ended our talk, he told me I was more open than most of my kind. I assume he meant it as a compliment of sorts, so I did my best to hide my hurt from him. I have been chastised almost my entire life for my openness, and as a result have never seen it as a positive trait of mine. For them, however, it must be a positive aspect, since they did seek me out to learn. Do you think my tendency to speak freely will become a benefit when I am among the humans? I had never really considered it.

I have spent time alone with Manari, Conorrius, and now Drolgats. The only one left to spend time with before we depart is the Lady Rastel. I hope my initial reaction to her proves correct, because I could use some more lighthearted company after those three. Perhaps it is because I am still young, but I wish that they did not have so many walls to break through. They have such strong bonds with each other, and I honestly want to become a part of that. A week's time is hardly sufficient to acheive such a goal, however, and I feel foolish for my impatience. Why do I crave their friendship so much? What is lacking among my companions here that they possess?

My shan'do would be displeased to hear that I wish to become close with them. Do you think they are already changing me? If so, I do not think I mind.

Elune'adare. How much have you been altered over the years, I wonder?